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Man in Hospital sees that his chart reads: 'Tsk, tsk, tsk'.

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Hospital Bed Waiting List

"Wake up, RIP. The doctor will see you now."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'I think you'll get a kick out of our 'haunted' MRI, Mrs. Hanratty.'

'Snap out of it.'

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."