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"It's even worse than we feared... Man-Covid!"

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"Gross."

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Time for your pills.'

'Long shift?'

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."