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"I hope for your sake that my watch stopped!"

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

"There has been a sharp increase in his cantankerousness."

'Luckily, it doesn't look too serious.'

"There's a shortage of beds, dear."

'The doctor is running a little late this morning; but a couple more laps around the park and he should be back at his desk.'

Medical Center.

"The medic said he died of an ST-segment-elevated myocardial infarction -- Jack was always a showoff."

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'Our Anesthesiologist resigned recently.'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

'I'm going on vacation so here are a few prescriptions for a laxative, decongestant, antacid, analgesic, and antidepressant to tide you over.'

"The test results have come back - you ARE a t**t."

"Try and get some rest and in a week or two we'll put your brain back in."

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

Lazy Doctor

"It's a very senior moment—he's dead."

'That's the most unusual rash I've ever seen, Mr Lichtenstein.'

"Hi! My name is Kevin, and I'll be your doctor today."

'That pest in 453 is being discharged.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

'My speciality is referring patients to the right specialist.'

'I keep hearing a buzzing in my ears.'

'We're a bit short of staff so if no-one answers the red button then you should try screaming 'Help me HELP ME Dear God I'm Dying' as loud as you can!'

"First, the good news; you're not sterile."