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'My Insurance won't pay for an MRI.'

Local Anaesthesia

"Glad to hear my health's improved since my last visit. But to be honest, Doc...I never did anything you advised!"

'I took one look at the prescription price and ruptured a blood vessel!'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'Sorry, Louise, old age doesn't go into remission.'

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."

'The report isn't all bad. They say our cough medicine is good for colds, and our cold tablet is good for coughs.'

"Your HMO won't cover a balloon for your angioplasty, but authorizes me to blow up a finger of my latex glove."

"Take this placebo. It won't do you any good, but it will make me feel better."

"Here's his medical directive."

"Doctor, I've got double vision...!"

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Quick, do a background search and see if this doctor passed his boards!'

Brian surgeon squeezing brains from a tube.

'Restless Peg Syndrome.'

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

Wait a minute…What operating system are you using?… Common techie question.

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

"Looks like your Yang is on the move again."

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

Give it to me straight, Doc, and don't poopcoat it.