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'My Insurance won't pay for an MRI.'

Local Anaesthesia

"Glad to hear my health's improved since my last visit. But to be honest, Doc...I never did anything you advised!"

'I took one look at the prescription price and ruptured a blood vessel!'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

'Sorry, Louise, old age doesn't go into remission.'

"It's a warning from the American Hypochondriacs Association -- you've been overprescribing placebos."

'The report isn't all bad. They say our cough medicine is good for colds, and our cold tablet is good for coughs.'

"Your HMO won't cover a balloon for your angioplasty, but authorizes me to blow up a finger of my latex glove."

"Take this placebo. It won't do you any good, but it will make me feel better."

"Here's his medical directive."

"Doctor, I've got double vision...!"

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'Quick, do a background search and see if this doctor passed his boards!'

Brian surgeon squeezing brains from a tube.

'Restless Peg Syndrome.'

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'What do you mean you're the new Paediatric Specialist?'

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"Looks like your Yang is on the move again."

'Can't you give the dummy mouth to mouth without getting romantically involved Mrs Wilks?'