Medical Advice Pillows

"Take two pills every four hours. Or, take four pills every two hours and get better even faster." What he thought he heard.

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'You're meant to take the nicotine patches off after you've used them.'

'When you put on a new patch you're meant to take the old one off!'

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

"You must cut down on your smoking."

'You've never starved a fever, have you?'

'You need to lose about 30 pounds of gravitas.'

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

'My doctor says I have to slow down.'

"After giving advice for decades, my doctor gave me some. He suggested I quit sitting all day."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

"You have to start exercising. Running your mouth, skipping meals, and jumping to conclusions won't help you."

"Don't eat anything fatty...you're not listening, Fatty...I said, 'Don't eat anything!'"

"How's the self-diagnosis coming?"

GPs to be required to deal with 'lifestyle' issues. I can advise you on smoking, exercise and obesity issues,but whether that T-shirt makes you look 'buff' is outside of my remit.

Second Opinions.

'Well, if you don't smoke or drink, stop chewing gum!'

'In my professional opinion you really should give up fencing!'

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

'I want you to cut down on liquids.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

"You need to stop eating that sh*t."

"The diagnostic computer think I should defrag your hard drive."