Medal Collector Pillows

"Anytime I've ever been asked 'What do you want, a medal?' I've said yes."

Soldiers Freezing in the Crimean War

'I was in the catering corps.'

"That one's my kidney stone."

Happy Champion

'I got this one for being the one millionth patron at the burlesque bar.'

Unsporting

'With the latest gold prices I think your medals are worth more than mine.'

"And this one is for being faithful to my wife."

'And this one here's just a piece of bacon from breakfast.'

Jungle Games

'That? Oh, I was awarded that for perfect attendance in third grade.'

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"And that one shows my frequent flier miles."

'Honestly, this one is for good posture!'

"This one is for keeping my big mouth shut."

Ex-SAS

'To be honest, I don't know why I got all of these medals. You'd have to ask my boyfriend, the General.'

'My wife gave me that one for washing the windows.'

'And that one is for driving a school bus.'

'Frankly, medals are more trouble than they're worth. They bonk me in the head whenever I trot.'

'I got this one free with a happy meal.'

"Take it easy - that one's attached to my nipple."

"Excellency, your medals are in the soup"

"Old soldiers don't die...they just get medal fatigue."

That one's for successfully maintaining possession of my mittens.

1st. 2nd. Nice Guy.

They're covering a stain.

"... and the 'black-and-blue' medal is for telling my wife."

"That one's for invasion, and this one is for evasion."

"And I got that one for going a whole week without using my cellphone."

"...and this one is from my wife because I used two squirts of washing up liquid instead of three."

"That one is for going AWOL but coming right back."

"I can't really talk about it. They're all for secret sexual stuff."

Subsequent. Nonpareil. Tertiary. Spelling Bee Podium.