Medal Collector Pillows

"Anytime I've ever been asked 'What do you want, a medal?' I've said yes."

Soldiers Freezing in the Crimean War

'I was in the catering corps.'

"That one's my kidney stone."

"And this one is for being faithful to my wife."

Unsporting

'With the latest gold prices I think your medals are worth more than mine.'

'I got this one for being the one millionth patron at the burlesque bar.'

'That? Oh, I was awarded that for perfect attendance in third grade.'

Jungle Games

Happy Champion

"Take it easy - that one's attached to my nipple."

"This one is for keeping my big mouth shut."

"And that one shows my frequent flier miles."

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

'Honestly, this one is for good posture!'

Ex-SAS

"Excellency, your medals are in the soup"

'To be honest, I don't know why I got all of these medals. You'd have to ask my boyfriend, the General.'

'And that one is for driving a school bus.'

'Frankly, medals are more trouble than they're worth. They bonk me in the head whenever I trot.'

'I got this one free with a happy meal.'

'My wife gave me that one for washing the windows.'

"Old soldiers don't die...they just get medal fatigue."

Educational Medals

"I got that one for being a good boy."

"This one's for being a nice guy."

"This one is for converting a military base into a crafts center."

"For services rendered, I award you the Medal of Discretion, the better part of valor."

"I can't really talk about it. They're all for secret sexual stuff."

"That one is for going AWOL but coming right back."

"...and this one is from my wife because I used two squirts of washing up liquid instead of three."

"... and the 'black-and-blue' medal is for telling my wife."

"My back aches whenever I wear my uniform, Doc?"

"And this one is for a recent felony indictment."