Mechanical Skill Avoider Gifts

Dilemma of a man with no mechanical skills (Mail order bride requires some assembling).

'Before you give us your surprise test, could we have a surprise study period?'

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

"Our new treadmill is easy to use, you just set it to the speed setting that's most comfortable for you."

"Shouldn't you be studying?

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Would you believe, I didn't get my homework done because of PMS?'

The Candy Shop. Anytime I eat candy it immediately goes to my mid-section. No time to waist!

"My brain said, exercise....my tummy auto-corrected that to, extra-fries!"

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

The Procrastinatorium.

'Your back went out because your front went out.'

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

What can I get you? Ham sandwich with extra cheese. Double banana split. Side of sugar. Coming up, sir. I am abandoning my New Year's diet! If you're gonna go down, go down in flames. Burn these gym clothes!

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

Congressional Gym. I never need to go in there. I get plenty of exercise kicking the can down the road.

'I know my electric bills are way over due, but could you at least wait until the Super Bowl is over before turning off my electricity?'

"20% of medical opinion may change every five years...but it won't be the 20% that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you!"

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

Danger Signs.

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

Student at bookstore advertising used books advertises used homework.

'Watch out, you'll get tennis elbow.'

"I did the laundry while studying. Unfortunately, my mom can't find the lost socks or my missing assignments."

"Honestly, Kate—can you picture us in a shopping mall?"

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'

'You need to go on a diet. Your spare tyres are getting spare tyres!'

Good parenting.

'Can I hand up my essay on Friday Miss. My ghostwriter is unwell at present.'

"Well, I wouldn't go as far as to say your body is a temple, more of an amusement arcade."

"Yes... I'd like to cancel my membership to the company fitness program immediately."

'Have you met my husband, and his personal fitness trainer?'

Next time youwant to demonstrate Ronaldo's flying overhead kick to your nephew...use a pen and paper!

'The only time I ever worked up a sweat in there was just then, when I tried to cancel my membership!'