Mattress Money Hider Gifts

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"Your portfolio is too conservative."

"Mrs. Simpson would like the recipe for your 'delicious steak pie', dear. Do you think you could dig the packet out of the recycling tub?"

The Mattress Savings Bank

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

"Sad really. He's scared of heights."

"I think I need a professional money manager. I invest sixty five percent of my money gambling in casinos and thirty five percent I keep under the mattress."

"I'd just like to congratulate you on how skillfully you've hidden my novel!"

'With these crazy markets, you have to diversify to protect your money. Put some under your mattress, some in your sock drawer, maybe some in a hole in the yard...'

"I keep my savings under my mattress. It's the only way I'll ever be able to retire on my money."

"Counting sheep is the quickest way to fall asleep...and with this sheep number mattress, you can say 'BAA-BAA' to sheepless nights forever."

"So if you don't want to know the World Cup results look away now until July 16th."

"They want us to work an extra two hours, so I'm either going to sneak out my office window or hide in the bathroom."

"I take it you've never had a bank account before?"

"Diversification doesn't mean hiding the money under the mattress, the sofa and 2 chairs!"

"It's more than just a mattress. It's a great place to rest your weary assets."

"Above the ceiling is plenty of duct space, a perfect hideout for when the in-laws visit."

Mel wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

'Good news for people who hide their money under the mattresses.'

'We've decided to grant you a new identity -- you're now a cocktail waitress in Sioux City.'

DIVORCE COURT, 'What? -- You hid the remote during the SUPERBOWL!'

'When you've fixed the sink I'll tell you where I hid the remote.'

"I've hidden all the pieces of string - it's time our relationship moved on."

Putting your cigarettes out of sight can reduce the urge to smoke.

"It's Easter tomorrow, so they'll hide Easter Eggs in the garden, but don't eat them: chocolate is poisonous to us!"

Will you help me hide my wretchedly excessive bonus money in my garden? I could. Tree's Trees. But you don't need me to bury money. Not bury it. I want new walls, flowerbeds, trees and water features. A. Hidden in plain sight. Voila!

"I've been here all day, you just haven't seen me because I've been hiding in the bathroom."

"I'm a conservative investor. When the piggy bank gets full, the money goes right into my mattress!"