Maternity Mirth Seeker Gifts

Innie Outie

"His first out-of-body experience."

Same Day Delivery: "I wish!"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"We didn't spend much time together when we first got married, so we're making up for lost time. We now have a date night 300 days a year."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'It's restless leg syndrome, I just know it.'

'The doctor will be right with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

'Hold it RIGHT there, buster! Nobody leaves the floor before signing out first!'

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'Don't come crying to me, son. I told you you'd turn into a lobster if you stayed out in the sun all day.'

Womb for Kids

Golf cart in the hospital.

'It's nice to see that some marriages really are made in heaven.'

'I love my obstetrician! He brings out the kid in me!'

"Actually, that doesn't constitute a crime; but I do hope your wife returns your hopes and dreams."

Surrogate patchwork mom

'No, you can't speak to my husband. He's sitting on the naughty step.'

Dr. Mary G. Wells Obstetrician. Open Labor Days.

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

'Well, that didn't go too badly, but I did have a brief rotisserie flashback.'

Pregnancy style expectation vs reality

"It's a parking ticket, madam. The prosecution doesn't need you to testify against your husband."

Patient to pharmacist: 'So, is it contagious?'

'And that's the boss. Nice enough guy, but wood from the neck up, if you know what I mean!'

"There, but for the grace of Cod..."

"Nothing much. Just going to get rid of some belly fat."