Material Muser Gifts

"And now, if I may, I'd like to put You on hold for a moment while I have a few words with Mammon."

"Really? Well, my philosophy has always been: You can take it with you."

'Hello? Missing Persons?'

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Changing Room Decisions

A sailor in his little yacht bobbing on the waves

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

'When I asked how much memory you had left I was asking about your computer, not you.'

'I thought elephants never forgot, but according to these results you have alzheimer's disease.'

'I don't know - asceticism just doesn't seem like ENOUGH any more,'

"Can't you ever relax?"

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

society of cartoonists...

"And then it hit me: I got up early for THIS? A slimy, cold worm? I HATE worms!"

Barbershop customer's reflection mocks his haircut.

'My good memory is a curse: There are things I would like to forget...'

"If a tree fell into the marsh and there was nobody around to hear it and it landed on a mute swan, would it make a sound?"

'Wait! Tell me again about the 'excessive gas and oily discharge'?'

"The steak is here to give its full consent."

"There wearing masks during the COVID pandemic doesn't bother me really: I mostly recognise people by smell anyway..."

'Would you knock it off with the 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'!'

'Any side effects of these sleeping pills?'

'What would Nostradamus do?'

'Whoa! -- She gave Adam a leaf-wedgie!'

The Art Critics

'I wish I had eaten all that bread.'

"Oh dear, I'm terrible with names."

'Perhaps one of you gentlemen would mind telling me just what it is outside the window that you find so attractive?'

'Oh, he's not mean. He thinks it makes him look macho.'

Tooth Fairy stealing dentures