Matchday Master Gifts

We interrupt this game because our sponsor has just filed for bankruptcy.

"Those aren't coconuts, they're tennis balls." "Sweet mother of Novak Djokovic!" The island of lost tennis balls.

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

'How many blummin' shades of black ARE there?'

'If you're proposing, Nigel, get it done before full time!'

"Keep it up. His knuckles are getting really sore"

'He does what he wants - I blame that new manager, Mourinho!'

'Going 'cold turkey' might be dangerous...I'd wean him off by letting him watch world cup re-runs....'

'Oh come on, I'm sure she'll still be there after Match of the Day's finished...'

'It just came out. It handles forehands, backhands and overheads all in one motion.'

Ref shows footballer green card.

'How are Rod and Cindy getting on?' 'Like a house on fire!'

Bowled out.

'Structural strength test? Next door!'

Woman with CS Gas while man watches football - "This is for if there's any crowd trouble."

A typical Newcastle fan.

"What sports fan are you?"

Football today

"He began his career as an interior house painter, and stuck with the tools he was comfortable with."

Monica Seles

'There it goes, there it goes, there it goes...'

"You know, if it wasn't for the players, we'd have a good team."

Pedro Castillo never forgot his humble beginnings in catering.

Football prayers.

'Tennis'

Football slave

"My Man Utd top's still in the wash"

'I thought I would never find a place to park, dear.'

Football fan's painted face turns completely red at the sight of a big breasted woman.

A football fan is distracted from cooking by a goal.

'I don't mind you watching 'Match of the Day' but...'

The Angry Footballer

Lawrence Dallaglio

'You know the rules... Any news of the death of a relative to be on my desk by 5pm on the day before the match.'