Match Day Diva Gifts

'Look - if you're not going to watch the match, you might as well have stayed at home and gawped at yourself in the mirror!'

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'Not much gets past our new goalie!'

Tennis ball girl.

'You can't beat the excitement of a new county season.'

"Za Za Bling Bling goes man hunting."

'If you're proposing, Nigel, get it done before full time!'

Football supporters.

'But Mum, I've got a match after school...'

The Rugby Throw Up.

"So, after five glorious weeks, football is coming home!"

'If it's a game of two halves, how come you're on your third pint?'

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

'We're in a hurry.'

'I wonder who they'll bring on as manager for the second half.'

Social butterfly

Bowled out.

"Buona Sera, Mrs. Johnson! You ordered two pizzas. That's £18!"

'I don't think you are going to see the end of this match with that 4-4-2 formation.'

"Why do footballers never shake a fist when they miss?"

The new heated seats were proving to be just a little too hot for the fans!

Footballer.

A typical Newcastle fan.

'These oxygen tanks go with your tickets. Where you're sitting, you'll need them.'

Football Applause

"I'm trying to decide between a cocktail with a cute name and one that's blatantly sexual."

'Yes, he was there his afternoon - that's his balloon floating in the penalty area.'

'Don't mind her...I brought along my grief counsellor just in case.'

Football players walk onto the pitch holding childrens' hands, who are holding rag dolls.

Tarot Lying

'Baz? How the hell can you be 'going out' with an agoraphobic?!'

'Do you know what men and pantyhose have in common? They both run, cling, or don't fit properly.'