Master Of Spreadsheets Gifts

Bill couldn't explain it but every day around 3 o'clock he would hit the wall.

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Out and In.

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"I hate performance review season."

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

"What comes after zillion?"

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

'There he goes, the bravest M&A knight that our kingdom has ever known.'

Downward arrow on progress chart goes through the floor: 'OK, I know this doesn't look good ...'

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

I've checked - it goes down to the basement.

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

"Will you stop saying 'ouch' every time I cut something out of your budget?"

"Well in our defence we did get the numbers right they were just in the wrong order!"

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

'And that's with massaging the numbers!'

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

'Good news! It looks as though the $50 million loss we expected to show is going to be a $30 million profit. You know, we should have hired a government accountant as our chief financial officer years ago.'

Project Manager Showdown

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

business

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."