Massage Devotees Gifts

Sisters of the sacred order of the massage table.

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Another one so relaxed, she couldn't walk out of here."

"Wait! Don't start the chase now: I need to stretch first!:

Couples Massage: "Did you remember the body oil?"

"It was the most relaxing massage I've ever had."

'Mona Lisa, would it make you happy if I gave you a foot massage every night?'

"Listen, pal, they're all emergencies."

Take a break, Archimedes. A nice soak in the bath will work wonders.

'I also offer massage therapy.'

'We do not do belly rubs, if that's what you are looking for.'

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

Dave's diaper-changing incentive chart.

Couples Massage

"She's late for her stress management course."

Flo discovered that one of the perks of cancer was that even reluctant friends were willing to give her foot massages,

"Shoulder work ahead"

"That feels good...now scratch a little to the left."

'But boss, this will keep my muscles from getting fatiqued.'

The Colonel at home.

Toe-Tickling Machine

Perhaps a ceasefire is in order. Terms? I will agree not to pummel you for forgetting our anniversary. You will refrain from pursuing the possibility that I, too, have forgotten it. You will, furthermore, massage my feet in penance for denying me a reason to yell at you. Non-negotiable! Got off easy.

'Used to be 'Rock around the Clock', now is it 'Limp Around the Block'?'

"Looks like Mom is practicing getting her mask ready for Halloween tomorrow."

Chair massages.

"I hope he doesn't hear me sizzling."

To compensate for the stress of news broadcasts, Tina's TV came with a built-in massage system.

Bismark Ballet School

I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me me up the wrong way.

"You're holding a lot of homophobia in your lower back."

Gym. He claims he does that routine for an hour before starting his cardio workout. Do you believe him? It's a bit of a stretch!

'Only way I could get him to come was to tell him it was massage therapy.'

'If I was any more relaxed, I could host a NPR program.'

"I'm glad you're enjoying the massage feature on your new chair, but can you lower the setting a bit?"

A day without anxiety is like a day without sunshine...