Marriage Paradox Lover Gifts

'Of course I'm an expert on marriages, I had several wonderful ones!'

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

"If all countries are in debt, who's got all the money?"

The Meaning of Life

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

As luck would have it the hunchback's blind date turned out to be a hunchbelly!

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

It's my manifesto on living "off the grid," mainly compiled from my blog, tweets and Facebook posts.

'Applicant wacked out, suggest immediate promotion.'

"These oaths aren't binding all weekend are they?"

"Carl had the mouth of a truck driver... Sorry, Carl, I just can't make no sense from all those words comin’ out your pie hole. A truck driver with a Ph.D. in mathematical logic."

"We have ways of making you say yes, but I want you to want to say yes."

Grenadiers

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

Right Against Right.

'I've been looking everywhere for that!'

Moses with the Ten Commandments on a Ski Lift

The new normal.

"Separate clouds, please."

'Say that again and you're a dead man!'

Tortured by music

Lost Property: "How can I help?"

"It's just a coincidence that our favorite game requires the least amount of friends."

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

'The doctor told me to get away for a while..Where I live, in the country, it's just too quiet for me, so I've come here for a vacation.'

The City that Never Sleeps.

Fastest slowest animal

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

Smoking in the Paradise.

'National Public Television now presents 'Monday Night Chess'!'

'I'm afraid you're a hypochondriac Mr Jenkins... but luckily we have a pill for that!'