Marriage Advice Pillows

'You haven't spoken to me in weeks!' 'I didn't want to interrupt you!'

"It's just if the TV isn't on I never know where to look."

"I don't want a divorce, but I would like a gap year."

"Get me rewrite!"

"Why buy the bull when you can get the stud service for free?"

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"Galapagos tortoises live a long time, so, if you want my advice, getting married young is a bad idea..."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'You know too much!'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Try Mediation

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'Great Therapy!'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.