Marriage Advice Pillows

'You haven't spoken to me in weeks!' 'I didn't want to interrupt you!'

"It's just if the TV isn't on I never know where to look."

"I don't want a divorce, but I would like a gap year."

"Get me rewrite!"

"Why buy the bull when you can get the stud service for free?"

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"Galapagos tortoises live a long time, so, if you want my advice, getting married young is a bad idea..."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'You know too much!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

Try Mediation

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'Great Therapy!'

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"