Marital Advice Pillows

"You need a husband transplant"

'Do you have a good reason for coming home at 7 am?'

Irreconcilable Differences.

"Carmen, my husband's been coming home in the middle of the night. I don't know what to do...."

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Great Therapy!'

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"We don't talk anymore."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

'Sigh. . .You work life balance includes me as well you know.'

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."