Marketing Magician Gifts

'Why don't we do what we always do when sales lag, write 'New and improved' on the box...'

'How do we bake such delicious large muffins that have only 20 calories? Easy, false advertising.'

'Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public. Ethical advertising uses the truth to deceive the public.'

"Love's OK, but there's no money in it. For the right price, I could help people fall in love with your products."

Telemarketing Center: Help wanted. It's not a job - it's a calling.

Psychology in Action - on sale at $10.95.

Marketing pitch produces old cliches.

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

'This wasn't what I meant by viral marketing...but if you can get it to work.'

"The Good news is that we cut a few corners, used clipart and brought the campaign in under budget!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

'We look at new product presentations as elaborate rituals.'

'I wish we could afford a proper video presentation.'

'Sure, our expertise keeps ‘em here, but Mom's cookies get them through the door!'

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'It's the philosophy of the company that truth in advertising begins at home.'

"I've got a great idea! By adding the words "and associates" to my business name, no one will every suspect I'm really just one person with a phone and a web site working out of my bedroom!"

'Ineffective ad campaigns for the British Open.'

'But what do you sell?'

Sales Secrets of the Clerk who Talked you into Buying this Book

And we kick off our new Best Kept Secret hamburger franchise with a 3 month, 30 city media blitz.

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"It never would have sold as 'mud pie'."

F&E Real Estate. House for Sale. Uh-oh, I just learned the house we're selling is located on a nuclear waste site! Great! We can say it's a "hot property"!

"Let's be honest here and admit we're targeting the 'stupid-with-their-money' demographic."

"Let's get readyyyyy—to fall for really great marketing."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"We can succeed if our target audience is not made up of rational human beings."

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

'How fast can you hype?'

Team Leader

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

"I'm not telling you to stay. I'm talking to the stock market."