Marketing Analyst Gifts

"Our social media statistics show us that people don't want our product. The want videos of cats."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'Advertising Agency' 'Out of focus group'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"It's 25% cotton and 75% made in China"

"We only invest in companies that still exist a year after running a Super Bowl ad."

"I feel bad for the companies that make lipstick."

'Our marketing was really focussed, unfortunately it was focussed on 32 year old bachelors from Swindon called Colin.'

'Then it's agreed -- we'll prepare a pamphlet showing how the public could save money with our company and then get it on Ophrah's book list ... '

'How do you measure the success of your blog?'

'Remember, you're NEVER a stranger in this store because we've got LOADS of shopping data on you!'

"Shopping data and browsing history of consumers who actually feel guilty unsubscribing from mailing lists!"

"He's our new trend-spotter?"

"Let me through - I'm a data analyst!"

"It's gutsy and bold, and frankly, I like it. But polls indicate the market isn't quite ready for human sacrifices."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

The Businessmen Have to Make Decisions from Many Options

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"So the plan is to fly everyone for free. But we'll charge $400.00 per bag."

"The leadership team wants a catchy acronym for a new social media app they're calling Functional Applied Relationship Tracker. Any suggestions?"

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

In the Guru District

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'How fast can you hype?'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."