Mark Twain Fan Gifts

'Look at him, Tom. He is so obsessed with that silly cell phone that now he wants to be called Blackberry Finn.'

Huckleberry Finn, M.D.

"No matter, Huck. The Mighty Mississip will provide."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"The little engine that could... after taking advantage of family connections, a trust fund, working two years for free as an intern, and finally getting hired as an independent contractor."

Brünnhilde's Funeral Pyre

Bashful in Nashville

'Don't worry it's organic...'

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Maypole

Rating the Sunset

A horse driving a Model T tows an Amish buggy.

Samuel Pepys' writer's block

Ginger God

'He followed me home. Can I keep him?'

The Race to Ukraine

'Is it organic?'

The prince and the pauper, 'Boy, talk about identity theft!'

Dmitri Ivanovich Mendeleev: "At the...conference, four of my colleagues were standing side by side. Kiosk weighed 140 pounds..."

"Did we get the line item veto?"

Flying Dutchman

The Gweat Twain Wobbery.

Hunding

The Conservatives will be pulling the strings...

"In the olden days, people used payphones. Beats me how they took selfies!"

'The guy without the tail? Call himself Adam.'

Zues throwing lightning bolts with gun!

"Honest man? No, I'm looking for a place to charge my phone."

"Without further ado, please welcome the real 'Indiana Jones!'"

At the Lost Gods Home

"That isn't allowed either."

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for fifteen hours?"

Valkyrie.