Marital Support Gifts

"Do you want to be comforted or do you want to just starfish this one out?"

"You have always been a rock to me darling."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Behind Every Stupid Man

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

'Will I still be married?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'His wife is very supportive.'

Scared husband needs to have scans done in children's exam room.

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Tough Love Birds

'Swear on your unpublished novels that you will support each other's ridiculous dreams.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

Warring parents

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

Diplomacy