Marital Support Pillows

"Do you want to be comforted or do you want to just starfish this one out?"

"You have always been a rock to me darling."

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Behind Every Stupid Man

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'Will I still be married?'

'His wife is very supportive.'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

Scared husband needs to have scans done in children's exam room.

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

Warring parents

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

'Swear on your unpublished novels that you will support each other's ridiculous dreams.'

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

Diplomacy

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'