Marriage Maintenance Pillows

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

"These colder temperatures always cause my tire pressure to drop—it's a good thing I stopped to check." Peter finally grows up.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

Neighbor Leaf Wars

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

Home De-Po. Things you need for your project. Things you didn't know you needed until you were halfway through your project.

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

'Sigh. . .You work life balance includes me as well you know.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Wanna talk about it?

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

Lazy plumber.

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

"If you need anything in the building, just call the super. This is the only known photo of him."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

An old man and women are driving along with a 'Still married' sign on their car.

'Will I still be married?'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

"Go back! The place is full of mold!"

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

It's obvious anniversaries are the lynchpin of the big oil conspiracy. What? Husbands forget them. Which leads to wives pummeling them. Which leads to men making sure they don't forget again. All you had to do was mark it in your calendar! What do you think pens are made of? Pummeling will now commence.

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."