Managing On A Fixed Income Gifts

'I'm on a fixed income, so these free offers are most welcome.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

The day the stock market went UP.

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

Use the body brush vigorously - he will enjoy it.

Will work for ETFs

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'Dammit - how do we get in on that gross national product?'

'If only I'd spent as much time on my investment portfolio as I did on my lolly mix when I was a kid.'

A very young man being hired as a groom.

"Remember, money is only a tool - to make more money."

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

A Day In The Kitchen

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

"I see you've security marked your property."

Stock market investment advice

"Ahh... don't you just LOVE that new, re-organized-under-bankruptcy-protection smell?"

'This is the BEST well we've dug!!'

'We want it painted the colour of money!'

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

Flat tax - equal burden?

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

"Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% budget allocation."