Make-up Pillows

'Can you make my husband look like George Clooney?'

"You can try make-up, but you're a banana...age spots are inevitable."

'Look at it this way - It's tested your waterproof make-up.'

'I spend an hour applying make-up so he can say, 'See, Honey you don't need make-up!''

The Toilette of Salome I - suppressed version

'I don't rate black lipstick - liquorice is less messy and more flavoursome.'

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

"Well, my wife would be angry too if I was spending more money on make-up than she was."

"While I wait for you to put on your make-up, I'll go paint the church."

'No, we don't do any animal testing, but don't rule out a pop quiz once in a while.'

'No, Joe! It's wearing lipstick! That's the boss's pig!

Dear Diary, today I'm feeling beautiful...

"You look great. Let's go!"

News headline: stars without make-up!

Make-up Advice - Fair Skin, Dark Skin, Clowns.

Cosmetics Dept: 'Maybe you've been using paint, when you should be using nails...'

'Make-up? Aisle three.'

"If we're going out tonight I 'd better go and start putting my make-up on"

Fred didn't know what was odder: his wife's beauty tip that hemorrhoid cream reduces bags under the eyes or that he actually tried the tip.

'It's MURDER putting on make-up with no reflection!'

"Just give me a minute to put some make-up on!"

'Edna, we're late! You don't have time for a second coat!'

"Your eyebrows are beautiful, darling. I know you hate drawing them on."

Woman doing her make-up in the courtroom.

The Toilette of Salome II - replacement version

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: A Bob Named Sue

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

'I work two jobs and have three kids. At the end of the day I am exhausted. Do you have anything that is not sexy and just smells good.'

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Honey, do these sweatpants make me look like I prefer we stay in tonight so I can watch the game?"

"I want something that will make Richard Burton sit up and take notice."

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'