Magazine Publishing Gifts

"We can be proud! We have been awarded the title 'Formerly important magazine with outstanding stories and great cartoons'!"

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

First Novels.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

Gay Times...

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

The Working Woman's Magazine

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Pets.

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."