Loves Dark Humor Gifts

"Now will you ask for directions?"

Fire alarm - Penalty for improper use, $1,000.

Ever the optimist, Bob takes up dowsing.

Family Butcher.

"You have three weeks to live, and I'm afraid they're in Feburary."

"Don't eat there. They once served me spoiled children."

Bad luck Brian! R.I.P.

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'... And this is my cellar.'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

Out To Lurch

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Dead Funny

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Quick! Act like we just developed a drug that they can sell for seven thousand dollars a pill."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."