Lovers Of Job Interview Humor Gifts

'You have a dual-personality, sir, and I think we can use both of them.'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

"What's your occupation?"

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

The ultimate Secret Service demotion. We're sending you to guard Mount Rushmore.

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

"We're able to use you, Crampton… everything but the 'oink'."

'What went particularly well?'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

"Besides, 'Not working for this crappy company,' where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

'As a consultant, my job is to speak to you as if I knew how your business worked.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

'It's a grueling job that requires a strong commitment and personal sacrifice. Is your mother available?'

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"Sir, are all these compliments and this reminiscing about my time here leading up to my termination?"

New To The Job: Pizza Delivery Guy

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

'Tell me why you want to work here. Tell me why anyone would want to work here.'

"Your job will be to furnish the office with fresh fish on a daily basis."

'Do you see yourself as a team player?'

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

"What quality do you have, that will make us hire you as our new telephone support employee?"

"Sorry, but we're looking for someone with more experience."

"Any other job skills besides whistling while you work?"

"We'll it's a very impressive CV, I didn’t know you could earn a masters degree in being 'dead good at stuff'."

'This sounds promising... 'Help wanted: Live Bait'...'

'Those who can't hunt, gather -- those who can't hunt OR gather, teach.'

'Leadership abilities? Well I was the first to resign from the LAST place I worked!'

'I'm a hunter, but I've been cross-trained in gatheriing.'

"You state on your resume that you're lazy, incompetent and unreliable. There is such a thing as being too honest."

"Congratulations! I think I have just the position for you."