Job Humor Lovers Gifts

"I've been unemployed for twenty years and still haven't qualified for long service leave."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

Businessman: 'We're like one big family here, because of all the nepotism.'

'It's settled then. Your people will meet with my people if they ever get me any people.'

"You calm down."

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

THE REPORT: Some of this is brilliant, but that can be fixed.

'Do we want to tackle this head on, or just stun it with a glancing blow until next Monday?'

'Here's your workplace. You will find out company is not big on CCTV cameras or punch clocks.'

"Any further comments? Alright then, we're adjourned."

Two doctors holding hands

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

"There's another one of those blokes that work from home."

"The meeting was canceled after an outbreak of contagious yawning!"

"We're still the same, great company we've always been, only we've ceased to exist."

'Whomever pulls the sword from the stone will lead this project.'

'He refused to climb the ladder without a safety net.'

'You were fired from your last job when they caught you putting artificial sweetener in your coffee.'

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

"I'm sorry, but Fred isn't available. He's spending a few days in the penalty box for not being a good team player. May I help you?"

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

"What a day. I almost lost my smug look of detached superiority."

"We like to think of ourselves as a very progressive company. After all, a little self-delusion never hurt anyone."

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

'I know that you think you should be the President of this company, Your Majesty. But, you'll just have to work your way up, like I did!'

'So this is the company's new mission statement.'

'The boss said things have to improve or my job is going to run out of minutes.'

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

Group of people.

'You've become run down from working too much. Try sneezing on your boss.'

'Well, why didn't you say you wanted the office to be functional?'