Lover Of Wit Gifts

"Gee, I just love the British dry sense of humor!"

G.K. Chesterton.

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

Penny for your lack of thoughts.

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

'Oh no. How are you going to get it out of that little hole?'

'It's sensational! Your paintings are selling like you're already dead!'

"Marriage is like a migraine. Once it's gone, you begin to miss it."

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

"I love you Clive, but I do wish your brain was bigger than a nut."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

The Thinker. The Listener

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I love this time of year."

To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca," "Of all the comic strips in all the newspapers in all the world, you walk into mine." ? ? ?

'Whoops. There goes one of my prostheses.'

Clown's knee reflex sends doctor through ceiling

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"Sir? - it's clowntime."

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"I don't think you have a case. It's only slander if it's not true, and I've heard you play."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"…And what do you think the cracker might represent?"

'How can you stand to listen to dozens of crazy people and stay sane?' - 'Who listens?.'

Wanted: dishwasher or handsome rich guy.

"You're not in the gym Gary!"

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

Spiv

Road signs of Aging

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"I'm suffering from TeaParytyitis."

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

"You really miss the old grandfather, don't you dear."