Lover Of Christmas Tales Gifts

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

Antique shop owner looks at old chalice, saying: 'Well, it MIGHT be worth something if it had the original myrrh inside.'

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

Toy skier jumps from snow globe to miniature winter scene.

"I crawl that I may savor the richness and diversity of people and places along the way."

Signs grampa has run out of 'When I Was Your Age' stories.

T'was the night before the night before Christmas.

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

"Like they say. . . the shadow knows!"

"I'm sorry, Rudolph, but empathetic soulsource crystal navigation has made that nose of yours pretty much obsolete."

'When I was your age we had to carry our water from the spring in a bucket...and then we'd get it out with a dipper!'

'Sorry we're late, we lost three days following one of those Chinese lanterns.'

If This Vehicle Is Being Operated In A Dangerous Or Reckless Manner Please Call.....

'...Santa delivers to Yorkshire first...everybody else has to wait because they're not as good.'

"I'm the spirit of Christmas Present."

Santa's Little Enablers

'Are you nuts? -- Santa's secret identity is MY dad!'

What really happened to the Virgin Mary.

"I mean - how big can this Goliath guy be?"

Child Catches Santa

The three semi-wise men actually rode alpacas and carried knitted gifts of sweaters, sox and underwear to the arid desert village of Bethlehem...

"We have 'Too Hot,' 'Too Cold,' and 'Just Right.'"

"Maybe I should wake him?"

"I am the new ghost of Christmas yet to come."

Do you know the time, Santa?

"Wow, I carry Mary to Bethlehem and then witness the birth of Jesus! My first major role in a blockbuster!"

"Bearing in mind that Santa has fact checkers, have you been a good little boy?"

Santa Deals with a 'Naughty list' recipient

Rumor has it that he left his heart in San Francisco.

"I for one am glad that little girl broke into our house...this sure beats that darn porridge!"

'Actually, due to the recession, we've got loads of room.'

"Yes. we met on a blind date. I saw this gorgeous man standing at the bar, and Dave was slumped next to him."