Love-life Tactician Pillows

'It was a wonderful evening, Jack...please don't spoil it by asking for a promotion.'

'I sent out for everything.'

"Hurry up with that dictionary!"

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

Colin could see that his competitor had obviously done his market research.

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

Dating the efficiency expert.

Armstrong, the new Ybox game console comes out next week. I've got to get in line at Computer Villa. Nope. You are callous and inhumane. Fortunately, I have a backup plan. Computer Villa sale! If anyone cuts, chew their nose off.

If you are ringing your coach to ask about your next move then we're finished.

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.

'This paintball war has really spun out of control.'

"No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement."

'I find the best way to get them to grow up is to buy them a 1-way ticket to Europe, and let them work their way back.'

'By proposing a merger instead of marriage, we can deduct this meal as a business expense.'

"This is as far as your air miles take you."

'Pay no attention, they are a couple of ex husbands.'

'When you play hard to get you really mean it, don't you?'

How to feel confident in love & war

Don't let your your evil twin be your wingman when trying to pick up a woman in a bar.

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"I married for contrast."

'...assuming the numbers are right, ask her to marry you.'

Cupid's Heart Dartboard

"O.K., so we'll have sex and if that works out we'll go for a nice dinner and maybe a movie."

"We can stop the bombardment - the castle surrendered."

"My mating dances were unsuccessful, so I tried reciting poetry: didn't work either..."

'I'm thinking of marrying Jim. But first, I have to engineer an introduction to him....'