Local Gossip Enthusiast Gifts

"Is that Penny I smell? It's been so long... Hold on, is this Dougie? No way! That crazy mongrel, he is nuts! I remember that time he chased those kids on skateboards all the way down Cliff Street. Wait, is this Rosie?!"

'...and now the weather.'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

'She's so put together!'

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

A little bird told me...

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

Hollywood Breakup

"You're living in a fantasy world, Nelly. Farmer Dave doesn't know you're alive. Plus, he's a human being, he's married, he's the church pastor and he's secretly gay."

"The water does taste a little funny. Maybe they added analgesics, to ease the pain of restructuring."

'Vanity, thy name is Maple.'

While you were out... the whole office talked about you.

'I'm here for 10 years and I don't have a clue about what this company is doing. I'm here just because of the gossip!'

Larry King

"He's only an associate but he's already reaping at a partner's level."

"It was the unsubstantiated rumours that attracted me to you in the first place."

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

"He's a real throwback. He does all his own publicity stunts."

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

"Rest assured, anything you say in this office won't get repeated by me."

"I know this is just my humble opinion, but it's backed by the most comprehensive rumor, gossip and speculation this office can provide!"

"We've been campaigning for years to encourage central government to delegate more powers to local authorities..."

"With Harry all options are on the table, including pointlessly looking for a job that doesn't exist for him anymore."

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

'I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was busy critiquing your outfit?'

'Washington has wooden teeth? -- how did you find that out?', 'It came out in conversation.'

'Have you heard the news about Susan in logistics?...'

'Looks like housing starts are up.'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"