Literary Festival Fan Gifts

How to spot the early signs of Book Fair meeting meltdown.

"I sort of imagined with a live reading, he'd be reading out loud."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

Meet Stephen Krkzk Author of 'Why Conspiracy Theories Are Nonsense'

Tennis fans queuing at Wimbledon.

"Meet the author"

First Novels.

"Tonight! Author book signing." "Develop your inner raging bitch."

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

Voltaire

"Now I really hate poetry."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

Pets are reading the book 'Animal Farm'.

"Well, we needed the rain."

"I'm in a catch-23 situation."

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

George Orwell

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

"Gone with the wind with cats" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "Me neither, who cares—let's take a nap."

Dating an English Major

"Author does not do tricks."

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Is that where you keep the banned books?'

"So, hw ws yr smmr?"

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

"My only love sprung from my only hate!"

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

'You want a quick read? How about this one: 'Memoirs of an Amnesic'?'

'Et tu Yakamoto?'

'Tarzan interviewing for a position as a corporate lawyer.' An interviewer asks, 'When we go against the gorillas, how can we be sure that you won't forget which side you're representing?'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."