Literary Criminal Mastermind T-Shirts

Book sections, 'crime' and 'master crime'.

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

Implement operation 'KILL ALL PLUMBERS'!

'Done! We're now on Santa's 'nice' list.'

Eager to pull a prank on his chiropractor, Dennis taped a bag of potato chips to the small of his back.

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

The World's Most Evil Mastermind (and a man sitting in a chair).

Larry, working on the great American stick-up note.

'The curious incident of the dig in the night-gown.'

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

Fort

"When I'm with you, Miss Lawson, the billable hours just fly by."

I heard you're on your way to Europe to secure a source of black market hepatitis C drugs. What? What are you talking about? I deny everything. Where did you hear that? You added an airplane pillow, the "German For Dummies," the book "Hep C and You," and "Smugglerco Duffel Bag w/Secret Compartment" to your Amazon wishlist. I ordered you the book "Not Everyone Is Cut Out For A Life Of Crime." I deny everything.

"How about this? The story of a little reindeer whose exclusion from reindeer games led to the study of math and science, enabling him to develop levitation tech and thus eliminate the need for flying reindeers, thereby consigning his early tormentors to

"To save time, Dr. Nuclear, we ask that you stop following every correct answer with a bout of maniacal laughter."

David Lean

"I swear! As soon as she saw me, she jumped onto a chair and started screaming! It was hilarious..."

"There's good news and bad news. The good news is, I've made a generous contribution to your leaving present."

'I've been a burglar, a blackmailer, a mugger, and an armed robber, but by gosh I've never been a LAWYER!'

'Three iron.'

'I got to get home quick to hack the principal's email to my dad.'

Caution: Sentence Construction Ahead

All quiet in MoneyLaunderingCo whilst the men dispute the ironing roster.

"I have mess recognition. I show my messy room and my phone knows it has to be me."

"They say you're good with forgeries?"

'Looked fine with one head. Besides, two heads are better than one is such a cliche.'

"Finish your homework first, then you can hack into Trump's tax returns."

'We lucked out and drew a liberal judge -- I'll see if you can write a term paper for extra credit.'

"Idiot! Who leaves a tip?!"

"Criminal masterminds have to do better at maths, Abercrombie."

"It reminds me of the time I hired a 17-year-old nerd to track down a spammer’s true IP address, name, birthdate, and bank account number… …and shipped the spammer two tons of manure purchased with his entire life savings. Excellent question. I get letters like this all the time ever since I publicly announced my email address. It cost me a vinyl record, a mountain dew and a crate of cheetos, but was worth it."

How Deterrence Works

"Now the tricky part: getting the original out of the frame and getting mine into it."

I've had four espresso shots and a red bull. Look out post office, here comes Sadie! Post office? You're fueling up so you have the strength to endure the long lines? Ha. I'm creating the lines. I get to the counter with a stack of complicated questions, then watch the people behind me go nuts with frustration! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!! One of the best maniacal laughs in the business.

'...and if you want to get even with the place down the road, some tomato seeds with cactus genes could be blown onto their fields.'