Literary Alchemist T-Shirts

"Garbage in, great books out."

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

Medicinal plants

Barman In Love.

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

"Mr Newton, we have carefully reviewed your work in alchemy and have come to one conclusion: stick to physics.'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"When you said you like to experiment in the bedroom..."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'An alternative to having me psychoanalyze you is to write a book and have the critics do it.'

'And that one is the mistake I made in Act II, Scene III, line 14 of Hamlet.'

'I think that's enough brain defragging for today.'

'Ach, Herr Scrooge - ghost of this, ghost of that...serious delusions.'

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

"Look, hon, I know both of our schedules have been crazy, but I still think we should take time out to consummate our marriage."

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

"Of course you can't replicate my experiments. That's the beauty of them."

'Why bother recreating the 5,000-year-old recipe fo the ancient Egyptians, when there's already one that old at the back of the fridge?'

'Have no fear - I'll have the project completed for you in no time.'

Alcohol Ingredients

"Ulrich, that's bad science and you know it!"

"Since I've been using this organic stuff my potions are far more effective."

'It's both physical and chemical. She works in a lab.'

"After all these years, I'm sure of only one thing: when I heat the liquid, it boils."

"Your immortality tonic may not be worth it, Sol."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"He has a little place in the basement where he's trying to transmute amethysts into antibiotics."

"He's done it your majesty! He's turned lead into a screenplay!"