Literary Alchemist T-Shirts

"Garbage in, great books out."

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

Medicinal plants

Barman In Love.

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

'It's an experiment to stop time.'

"I don't know, it's just the whole Dark Ages thing. It's got me down."

'You have received a grant from the king - his secret incantation to chant over your experiments.'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"Mr Newton, we have carefully reviewed your work in alchemy and have come to one conclusion: stick to physics.'

'I'm trying to turn gold into gasoline.'

"When you said you like to experiment in the bedroom..."

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'Ach, Herr Scrooge - ghost of this, ghost of that...serious delusions.'

"You'd be amazed how just a little soybean meal adds to the protein content of powdered bats wing and next tails."

'An alternative to having me psychoanalyze you is to write a book and have the critics do it.'

'And that one is the mistake I made in Act II, Scene III, line 14 of Hamlet.'

'I think that's enough brain defragging for today.'

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

"Look, hon, I know both of our schedules have been crazy, but I still think we should take time out to consummate our marriage."

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

"Of course you can't replicate my experiments. That's the beauty of them."

'Why bother recreating the 5,000-year-old recipe fo the ancient Egyptians, when there's already one that old at the back of the fridge?'

Alcohol Ingredients

'I wandered lonely as Wayne Rooney playing up front for England.'

'Have no fear - I'll have the project completed for you in no time.'

"Ulrich, that's bad science and you know it!"

"Since I've been using this organic stuff my potions are far more effective."

"After all these years, I'm sure of only one thing: when I heat the liquid, it boils."

'It's both physical and chemical. She works in a lab.'

"He's done it your majesty! He's turned lead into a screenplay!"

"Your immortality tonic may not be worth it, Sol."

'I'm trying to transmute lead into a combustible fuel that will produce no smoke.' 'Turning it into gold will be easier.'

"That's it?! Boy exploits tree, tree suffers? Shel Silverstein was nuts!"