Literal Interpretation Appreciator Gifts

'Didn't you order the 'everything' bagel?'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"We have an acronym!"

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

You are my sunshine!

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

Meat Grinder

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'Oh Hi!'

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Steamed vegetables."

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

Russia Money Laundering

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

"Amateurs."

The Greek Trampoline

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Historic Bank Jobs.

"I've considered portraiture, but everyone is so ugly."

Got stuck in Iraqi oil, Unca Sam?