Adage Appreciator Gifts

Cliffhangers

'I followed the old Wall Street adage and 'sold in May and went away.' That was in '74. Too bad there's no return adage.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"We have an acronym!"

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

"Steamed vegetables."

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'Oh Hi!'

What's an Imax cave?

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

Meat Grinder

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

You are my sunshine!

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

Russia Money Laundering

"Amateurs."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

The Greek Trampoline

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Snowyphus

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'