Liquid Diet Lover Gifts

"It's a liquid diet. Every time I think of food, I dunk myself."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'I've found a way to improve on light beer!'

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

'I gotta lose some weight.'

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'The first thing you need to do is lose 40 pounds of that baby boomer fat.'

"This is Chance. When he first came here he was a fat Chance. Now he's a slim Chance."

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

Lightest beer on the market. Carbonated with helium.

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"I'm addicted to water."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.'

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

Obesity Report

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!