Linguistic Rebel Pillows

"How many times must I tell you not to speak metaphorically?"

'I was hoping it wouldn't come down to this.'

The Swear Police.

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Pssst! Do you have anything on American history?"

Why we need poetry. . .

"No, I really thought each sentence ended with an emoji!"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

Garlic Free Zone.

'the selling of seashells by the seashore was sluggish.'

Chocs away.

"Valet park only"

'To you it's wine, to me, it's my writer's block vaccine.'

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

"Red wine with fish? Sometimes you really are a monster."

A Semicolon.

'Of course I can spell -- I just can't spell conventionally.'

Apostrophe. . . Apostropher

"You betrayed her trust. You added spices to her soup. In Tia Carmen's eyes, you are an irresponsible youngster...and I don't blame her for doing this."

"If you prick a corporation, does it not bleed? If you tickle it, does it not laugh? If you poison it, does it not die?"

'Mom, I followed your time-honored legendary family recipe for Brussels Spout Bake with one exception - I substituted a pizza for the Brussels Sprouts.'

David Cameron and Europe

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Punkcakes

Bertrand Russell

Ministry of Soundbites: "Actually minister, it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you include a combination of the words 'choice','empowerment' and 'customer focussed'."

"It's just force of habit. When I say 'cavemen' I of course mean 'cavepersons'."

'You expect me to play with educational toys during SUMMER VACATION?'

"I know it's a foreign book...but I'm reading it with a local accent."

'And is this young lady your fiasco, Mr. Jones?'