Lighthearted Lush Gifts

'When I get the clumsies, switch me to a sippy-cup.'

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

Push for Disco...

"I got tired of 'Moby-Dick' taunting me from my bookshelf, so I put it on my Kindle and haven't thought of it since."

Some unusual family photographs decorate podiatrist's desk.

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

"I'm trying to write a drinking song, but I can't get past the first couple of bars."

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

'Do you come here often?'

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

"Wanna go out?"

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Something needs to be done about the surgery room lights.'

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

Les Fleurs Du Mal

Hip Pocket Editions

"I can write beautiful poems, but they all rhyme with gin."

"I guess what I miss most is being drunk."

"A thirst for knowledge, …. That was another of my great thirsts."

Giving thanks.

Carpet cleaning

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you how long it's been since he had a bowel movement."

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

"I'm afraid I'm kind of a klutz."

'Have you referred to my previous boss?' - 'Yes, he wants to know when you are going to return the coffee money.'

'Let me put it this way...don't start watching any miniseries on TV.'

Flo's Christmas Lights: 'I really like what you've done with yawr Christmas lights this yeaw Flo.'

'Yeah, you're probably right: She's not worth fighting over... Wanna do Heads or Tails?'