Lighthearted Disciplinarian Pillows

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"Sucker!" / "Stirrer!"

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

"I'd like my son seated in the first row."

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

'I had multiple personalities.'

Raccoons! Single file into the crate! Snake! Back in your hole! Crickets! Keep it down! Animal Control Freak.

"Great sermon! - When it comes to sin, you sure know what you're talking about!"

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"

'I see you've been chasing parked cars again. Wanna talk about it?'

'Hey, what's with all this 'God forbid' stuff?'

'Frankly, I don't remember why I called this meeting.'

"You're a very good hall monitor, Billy, but we don't detain teachers."

"Mommy needs to get mad at you in a weird calm voice now."

"Oh, I don't mind being called 'Reaper', it's the 'Grim' part that gets me...my name is actually Darryl and I'm a pretty happy guy!"

Wheels for all purposes.

If there are eclipses of the sun and eclipses of the moon, how come there are never any eclipses of the earth? Can we continue this tomorrow? It's getting dark.

Pigeon Breeders' Association.

"How do I keep my kids in line? I threaten to rent out the space under their beds to monsters."

Doctor using a crystal ball to diagnose patient,

Adan and Eve.

"We tell our kids to drink, smoke, dabble in recreational drugs and get a tattoo. Because they always do exactly the opposite of what we say."

"...And to those who have been naughty he doesn't bring any coal, just presents."

"You just wait until your father gets home and adjusts your algorithm!"

I think you've eaten enough fireflies, Ed.

I don't let my conscience be my guide, I consider it more of a wingman.

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'When you get closed down I'd be willing to take any dirty books off your hands.'