Light-hearted Reading Gifts

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"This stool shall pass."

Get crazy once in a while

Push for Disco...

"I got tired of 'Moby-Dick' taunting me from my bookshelf, so I put it on my Kindle and haven't thought of it since."

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"FREEDOM!!!"

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

CFL bulb and ice cream cone fall in love

Preachers with far too much input

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

'I'm looking for something not too heavy.'

"Is the light bothering you?"

Ralph Rackstraw HMS Pinafore

The World Ends Today!: 'Never mind, dear- better luck tomorrow!'

I say when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade

"It's face painting Friday."

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

Golf ball escaping.

'Hey! Those things aren't toys, you know.'

'I'm not applauding your lovemaking, I'm trying to turn off the lights.'

'Don't feel too badly about your post, I used to work for the News of the World.'

"Yes, Gramps, we agreed to follow 'until death do us part' with the caveat that we might be placed in separate wings of the assisted living facility."

'... and do you, Linda, promise to look up the word 'fellatio' in the dictionary?'

"These dang-blasted gofer holes are a real nuisance, Zeke!"

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

"I'm afraid I'm kind of a klutz."

Transporting helium balloons in mid air.

" When you're done fooling around with those lights, come and eat your dinner, it's getting cold!"

Police Lineup

"Mother said she started toward the light but she's so bad with directions that she made a couple wrong turns and had to turn back."

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

"Wrong hole!"