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The Age of Reptiles. . .

Mister Mid-Life Crisis

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

"Meeting old relatives...is like peeking into our future."

'I couldn't remember your exact age.'

"I can Botox it, but I don’t want to freeze up my sixth chakra."

Midlife: You Are Here.

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"I must be getting old. I've forgotten why I came down the stairs."

This morning I found a thin hair growing out of my knuckle. And so it ends. Your virility, your potential, your conviction, your magnetism, your youth itself

Truthfully, I'm just a frustrated insurance agent …

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Spring branding on the Hashtag Ranch.

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

"Would you want to drink from a fountain of youth?" "I'd settle for a fountain of middle age."

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

'This isn't any comparison to my going through menopause!'

Seven males, ranging in age from a baby to an old man, wait in a line monitored by a uniformed guard.

"Hello, Dr. Moreno? I wanted to tell you how nice it was to visit you today, but I'm not sure I needed all the pill samples...especially since I'm not sick."

"Here's the problem, I grabbed the wrong map. This isn't the Fountain of Youth. This is the Fountain of Middle Age."

'If we didn't live so long we wouldn't eat so much!'

'Are you having a mid-life crisis?', 'Let's hope so.'

Retirement Age

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

The world's most successful beauty blogger...

Highway of Life. No, Ernie, we're on cruise control. It just seems like we're going faster the further we go.

"Don't patronize me. Nobody cares what I think anymore. Go ask Dr. Phil."

"Sometimes I feel like Stone Age guy in Bronze Age world."