Life Expectancy Explorer T-Shirts

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

The Age of Reptiles. . .

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

"Meeting old relatives...is like peeking into our future."

'I couldn't remember your exact age.'

Fish crawls from the primordial soup.

Book of Life, Answers in Back.

'I wish I were your age again, and knew what I know now.'

"I can Botox it, but I don’t want to freeze up my sixth chakra."

Highway of Life. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump.

Midlife: You Are Here.

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

This morning I found a thin hair growing out of my knuckle. And so it ends. Your virility, your potential, your conviction, your magnetism, your youth itself

"I must be getting old. I've forgotten why I came down the stairs."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

"To tell you the truth, I never thought downward mobility would be so, well, downward."

"Would you want to drink from a fountain of youth?" "I'd settle for a fountain of middle age."

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

A man's health care options.

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

The world's most successful beauty blogger...

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

Retirement Age

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

Highway of Life. No, Ernie, we're on cruise control. It just seems like we're going faster the further we go.