Life Expectancy Explorer T-Shirts

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

The Age of Reptiles. . .

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

You know you're getting up there in years when your birthday cake requires that extra box of candles....

"Meeting old relatives...is like peeking into our future."

'I couldn't remember your exact age.'

Book of Life, Answers in Back.

"I can Botox it, but I don’t want to freeze up my sixth chakra."

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

'I wish I were your age again, and knew what I know now.'

Midlife: You Are Here.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"I must be getting old. I've forgotten why I came down the stairs."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

"Would you want to drink from a fountain of youth?" "I'd settle for a fountain of middle age."

"To tell you the truth, I never thought downward mobility would be so, well, downward."

A man's health care options.

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

How?

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

"Here's the problem, I grabbed the wrong map. This isn't the Fountain of Youth. This is the Fountain of Middle Age."

Retirement Age