Life's Little Ironies Fan Gifts

'Life is ruining your health.'

Backfire

"Unbelievable! A tick!"

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Hey, buddy, do you mind lending me a hand? I appear to be stuck in this thing.'

"Nice haircut."

'You're suffering from job-stress insomnia. Stop counting sheep to fall asleep.'

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'Why, yes, I remember you. May I suggest an undrinkable pinot grigio that goes well with a bad tip?'

'You keep turning them out and I'll dig a parking garage.'

"It's Friday the 13th. I feel lucky!"

'I want my lectures to have entertainment value.'

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

Girl Scout cookies selling the girl scout.

Guide dog with eyesight proplem.

"If you don't start misbehaving, there won't be any Halloween candy for you."

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

'This is the kind of hat you wear to bed.'

Man has a dream about a clumsy sheep.

'I told him we're becoming an endangered species. He just laughed.'

'He's been at it too long. Now, when the bell rings, Dr. Pavlov salivates.'

Fish to friend regarding third fish leaving Precambrian ocean: 'There's been no living with him since he started to evolve.'

A signaller directing pallbearers

Misery Memoirs Bumper Pack.

"And Moses climbed the mountain day and night searching for some sort of sign from God when suddenly he saw it"

"You mean you blame your failure in life on not having won the Irish Sweepstakes in 1970?"

Did You Know That...Scientists in Illinois, USA, claim we would live a longer life if we were more like elves?

'This one contains the commandments that will make people ENJOY life! Ha ha, just kidding.'

"God, I hate to fly."

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

'No thanks. I'm just looking...'

The 'Death Tax'

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

"We're not all grim you know - I'm a happy reaper."

"You can't smoke here but you can bring in a dirty old ash tray to smell."