Life's Ironist Gifts

"When I was young I needed drugs to feel weird. Now, I need drugs to feel normal."

"I no longer think, therefore I no longer am."

A mortgage and a shitty job-experience centre.

The Misleading Wine Fridge

"Yes, I was downsized out of here last month. That's who this collection is for!"

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

How to win friends and Influenza People.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

I'm tired of your games, Al. MY games? look who's talking! The guy with the role-playing hand puppets!

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'Look, I want you back, but I'm not going to beg.'

"My new watch has a G.P.S. function but it always puts me in the right place at the wrong time."