Life Optimization Seekers T-Shirts

'Off balance? Can't stand out in your field? Victim of cow tipping? Just buy our miracle iRemoo bracelet and balance your whole life!!'

'If you want to live a long time, try not to do anything that will kill you.'

“It's $195 million. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'OK, what's the catch?'”

'Half an optimist is an odd bird, Sarah.'

"Take a look - that's us in ninety years."

Blowing dust off an order book.

Doctor to Banana: 'Looks like you're going to a ripe old age.'

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"Oh f*ck yes. Let's make these f*ckers live for-f*cking-ever."

'I have the feeling my expiration date is nearly up.'

Time Management Conultancy - Out, Out

"Half-full. Those were the days."

"Remember, you're only as sick as you feel."

"It's a new take on the whole work/life balance thing. . . Anybody who has a life needs to be given more work."

Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of ai

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

"You know me. Never criticize,always optimize. The eternal Ms. Masking Tape."

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

'And I repeat. Live each day as though it were your last.'

"I watched that Marie Kondo program on decluttering and decided to get rid of Norman."

Resume Advisor. I'm not sure "internet troll" is a resume enhancer.

'I found enlightenement, and I still pull down my $250,000 per. What more can I ask?'

Time = $. Time > $.

"Actually, turns out my entire life can take place at 10%."

"Fountain of youth? No, I'm searching for a cure for natural causes."

'There must be some mistake. According to our actuary tables I'm going to live to 83.'

'What doesn't kill you, makes you a burden.'

A microbe using his macroscope to search for intelligent forms of life.

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

"Fred read red wine has lots of benefits including a longer life!"

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you lived at home?"

'Well, we've been talking about downsizing, and it looks like the bank is going to make sure we do.'