Life Insights Gifts

'Chewing bones? Hunting cats? Biting mailmen? C'mon, kid! Time to see the really important things in life!'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I throw this ball, you go get it and bring it back — everything else will fall into place."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I learned one thing today. Attitude trumps aptitude!"

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

'Your life story?....why not, the world is in need of a few good laughs!'

" It was a jungle out there, but I quite liked it."

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

'My parents couldn't afford to send me to college, so they let me spend a night at a Ramada.'

"Do you know the biggest thing I've learned in my thirty nine years?"

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

Women

Ready for the curves life throws at you.

Nun reading 'Halo' magazine

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

The Eternal Battle Over Who Is More Tired

'It's just that simple. So act now and start barking up the 'right' tree.'

'Try not to be an idiot.'

'I think I'm beginning to understand what sex is all about.'

"If every day is a gift, where can I return all of last week?"

"I think it's a bit late in the evening, Harold, to tell them about your watershed experience."

"I went with the flow and wound up in the French quarter."

"Are you too old to remember all the advice you tried to give me when I was too young to care?"

"Of course I still do stupid stuff. But now much slower and with far less frequency and zeal."

"And I suppose if your friends all jumped off a cliff you'd follow right along?"

I always figured that when I got old I'd have all the answers -- and then they revised the test!

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"Remember, dogs go woof! Just as long as you can get enough petrol on them."