Humorous Insights Gifts

'Marriage is sharing, Carol, so I'm happy you earn twice as much as me.'

'No, nothing permanent. Just maybe spend a little less time together each day, that's all.'

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"Dad, my web toon characters can't be normal! They have to be stereotyped crazies who are totally abnormal!"

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"I don't think of it as copying from Danny's paper ... I think of it as utilizing the Freedom of Information Act."

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Here's a composite of our target consumer.'

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

"The tests confirm it...you don't have a serious bone in your body!"

The first step is losing the illusion that you're in control of your actions.

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

'People just aren't as committed as they used to be.'

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

'Look, think positively, it's not that bad being a Lab-Rat: It beats living in a sewer most days...'

"When I first met him, he wanted to change the world for me. Now, I'm lucky if I can get him to change his underpants."

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

"I wasn't texting while driving. I was driving while texting."

"Yams, pie, stuffing, pumpkin, bean casserole, biscuits, corn, cranberry sauce, carrots, mashed potatoes...where's the turkey?"

Self examination.

'Why should I pay you for washing the windows when the good Lord provides?'

"Somehow, I still feel insignificant."

"You might like my daughter. She's single and desperate too."

Oh, well, I guess it's better than having no groupies at all.

Man chops down palm tree to make coconut shy.

"Are we interested in selling this place?"

"I'd like to file a report. I'm trying to find myself."

As an environmentalist, I dread the day the last tree is chopped down. As a castaway, I rather encourage it.

The empty-pocket syndrome.

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"We're having real difficulty getting staff for children's services."

Dannemora School for Exceptional & Gifted Felons.